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Rely on Your Support Group, Old and New
It’s natural to turn to old friends and family for support. They know and care about you, typically have your best interests in mind, and know how to hear you during your darkest moments.
New friends can also help you adjust to your new life and help create new memories, so it is equally important to cultivate some new blood into your inner circle.
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Old or new, friendship is a vital ingredient in the recovery and stabilization process, so consider these folks your new group.
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Assess Your Self-Worth
People with low self-esteem tend to create relationships with others who evaluate them negatively, suggests a study by William B. Swann Jr., Ph.D., a University of Texas psychology professor. If you’re suffering from a negative self-image, it’s vital you take steps to create a positive, healthy self-concept.[3]
Begin by making a list of your positive qualities, then hang it in your home where you’ll see it regularly, suggests Bruce Fisher, Ed.D., Robert Alberti, Ph.D., and Virginia M. Satir, M.A., in their book Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends.[4]
Sharing your list with your support group and asking for honest feedback will help you to work on clearing up any discrepancies between your self-image and the real you.
Make a list of new beliefs and affirmations that you’d like to incorporate into your thinking system. Read aloud these new self-concepts often, regardless of how you’re feeling, to help solidify them in your mind.
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Put on Your “Badass” Hat
People who feel victimized after a breakup may do well to develop a bold, or even defiant, attitude. Psychologists at the University of Washington and Canada’s University of Waterloo recently found that feelings of resignation and sadness make people with low self-esteem less motivated to improve their mood.
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“When you feel defiant you become excited, confident, and ready to take action,” says Broder. “You take care of yourself, making it pretty clear that you are not going to be ruined by divorce. It’s a very healthy thing to do.”
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Plan Activities
Consider your post-relationship time as an opportunity to do the things you could not do while you were with your ex. Create a list of activities you would enjoy doing with a perfect partner, then give the list a second look.
“Rarely do people have more than three or four things on their list that they cannot do if they’re not in a relationship,” says Broder. “Be active, don’t feel like your whole life is on hold.”
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Curb Unhealthy Cravings
When we are in emotional pain, our feelings often don’t coincide with our intellect, and instead manifest themselves as cravings that can prove unhealthy and self-destructive. Cravings usually plague people who have zero tolerance for a single lifestyle and want to jump into a new relationship as soon as they breakup from their old one.
Also susceptible are individuals with low self-evaluation who are convinced they can’t make it alone. Fortunately, while such cravings may feel overwhelming and unavoidable, Broder asserts that they don’t have to be.
To short-circuit cravings, Broder suggests doing something that actively breaks the pattern and makes you approach the situation in a healthier way. Call someone in your support group, share your unwanted tendencies and ask that they invite you out when you fall into bad habits.
And consider keeping a journal of the things that successfully distract you from your urges, such as renting a funny movie or going for a long walk, that you can turn to the next time cravings crop up.
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Prepare for Pitfalls
Holidays, anniversaries and birthdays are hard to navigate because they are loaded with expectations and memories. During a separation or divorce, social configurations change, making feelings of loss and loneliness more intense.
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Perfectionists tend to struggle most during the holidays, according to Broder. High expectations lead them to dwell on favorite memories of their past and compare them with current situations.
According to Sally Karioth, Ph.D., R.N., an associate nursing professor at Florida State University and an expert on stress, grief, and trauma, points to advance planning as the key to reducing stress and meeting new people. [5]
Don’t be afraid to ask for help organizing new activities, and break tasks into smaller chores to fend off feelings of being overwhelmed. Broder also suggests avoiding holiday comparisons and focusing instead on the enjoyable aspects of current and future ones.
“You’ll get through [them], and then you won’t fear [them] anymore,” says Broder. “It may not be the best of your life, but it may not be the horror you thought it would be.”
Psychologists often cite the magical “one-year” period as a hallmark consideration of when it is safe to start dating again after a divorce. I think a year is a good benchmark. I also believe personal fluidity and trusting your inner guidance on this point is a better compass.
You and you alone will know when you no longer feel wounded, and are healthy and healed enough to get back out there.
I absolutely love these buoyant insights about dating after your divorce from psychotherapist Nina Sidell, M.A., https://psychcentral.com/blog/divorce-the-practice-of-dating/.[6]
Source: https://tholansonnha.com
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